How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk

Ahhhhh, has anyone fallen victim to this memes message? 🙋 I know I sure have. 

I think it's pretty natural to jump to conclusions and get excited when it comes to dating because for the majority of young adults having a family and spouse is a high priority. 

Yet, the science says that being too eager it is a turn off, and there are better ways to go about dating than what seems to be trending in our culture today. 

SO

Today I wanted to talk about three things. First, observations of dating culture today. Second, thoughts from the 'Know Quo' and 'RAM' model. Third, what the Lord has said to look for in a potential mate.  

Dating Culture Today

• Hanging out is becoming more common then going on dates, and it causes a lot of confusion in knowing where the other person is at. 
• First date means things are getting serious (refer to Kip meme above)... too. much. pressure.
• The idea that boys always need to be the first to ask on a date. I'm definitely all for that, yet a lot of engaged girls in some of my classes were the first to ask their now fiance out on a date. If you're interested in getting to know a guy, ask him out! 

Now, what has science shown about healthy dating? To go on DATES and to sloooooooow down. 

In one of the best books (in my opinion) on dating entitled How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk Dr. Jon Van Epp gave the "Know Quo", or the three T's to learning about a person as a potential mate. 

Know Quo and RAM

1) Time. He claims it takes a minimum of three months to really get to know someone. Studies show that those who date for longer than a year and less than 2 years are the most likely to stay together. 

2) Talk. Talking is the best way to get to know someone. But it has to be an equal balance of self-disclosure. Both should be sharing thoughts and feelings about a variety of topics. 

3) Togetherness. Having a variety of shared experiences and activities. My brother always said to date someone for at least all 4 seasons to see what they're really like. 

Next, one of the best dating models from Van Epp is the well-known Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). 

Van Epp shares that for a relationship to be strong it begins with getting to know someone. The more you trust the more you'll rely, the more you rely you'll start to commit, and so on. 

Often in dating today people have the touch slider way higher than the other 4 areas and it throws things way off (misattribution of affection, feelings are skewed because of physical attachment, etc.,). During dating and courtship 'knowing' should always be the highest, and the following sliders shouldn't get above the previous ones. 

What has the Lord said about this all? What should we look for in dating partners? 

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World  the Lord has shared some roles of men and women that we can observe while going on a variety of dates. 

Men

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families."

They are to Preside, Provide, and Protect. 

My Family Relations professor has been a marriage and family therapist for over 33 years and said often times women think men will change after marriage, but men almost always stay the same as when they were dating. 

Preside - in dating is he a go-getter in taking initiative to plan fun dates and activities? If he is, chances are higher that he will be better at initiating future family home evenings, family prayer, and scripture studies.

Provide - in dating is he a cheapskate? Does he often rely on you to cook meals and he's just a free ride? Later in life this might show he's lazier than you thought.

Protect - is he watching out for you? Perhaps this could be seen by him opening doors for you, making sure you're walking further away from the road, etc... this could even be protecting you both from yourselves so you aren't in compromising situations... 

Women

 "Women are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." 

One of my new favorite quotes from Joseph Smith says;

Let this Society [Relief Society] teach women how to behave towards their husbands, to treat them with mildness and affection. When a man is borne down with trouble, when he is perplexed with care and difficulty, if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur—if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness.1

Men, can you see this on dates? In her interactions with you and others does she complain? Is she kind? Does she uplift rather than degrade?

My hope for all of us navigating the dating realm is to learn to slow down, better our own characters, and be the kinds of men and women the Lord expects us to be, so that we can be better dates, boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance's, and eventually spouses. 

Well wishes, 

Ashley Marie