Fidelity and Boundaries in Marriage

Most people who have an affair would say they never meant to. It often times comes from a lack of boundaries set before and during marriage. 

Infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy. Being on guard and fiercely loyal can help in prevention, so today I will address a few things to give ideas of how you can create a happier marriage with healthy boundaries from the get-go rather than struggle to repair damages years down the road.

First, BE ON GUARD

Often times people think that affairs or infidelity happen when spouses don't love each other enough, sex life not as great, or more attractive people are presented. But affairs often times comes from lack of boundaries with people of the opposite and same sex.

Many young adults have a hard time accepting the idea that one's friends of the opposite gender should be distanced in marriage, so often times they keep them. 

It would do a couple well during the engagement period to LEAVE friends and family and CLEAVE to their spouse (see post from last week). My professor who's been a marriage and family therapist of 33+ years has said that there have always been problems with those who have kept friends of the opposite sex. 

No matter how mentally strong or smart you are, or how much you currently love your spouse, you are not immune to infidelity. Time after time after time again couples say they didn't mean to be untrue to their spouse or have feelings for another person, they simply didn't set enough boundaries. 

Second, PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST

Questions to ponder

Friends

1. Are you turning to your friends for comfort rather than your spouse?

2. Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend/s even when work and school don't require it?

3. Do you compare your spouse to your friends?

Media

1. Are you tempted to hide and profiles you follow or conversations you have from your spouse?

2. How would you feel about your spouse behaving in the ways you behave with social media?

Family

1. Are you turning to your parents for advice and counsel rather than your spouse?

2. Do you share things about your marriage that really should be kept just between the two of you?

3. Do you complain about your spouse to your family? (Warning: if you do, your family is likely to hold onto a grudge longer than you are)

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else"1

To that scripture President Kimball said,  “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."2

What's the big deal with keeping old friends or being on social media often or even talking to your close family members frequently? 

Many times those friends and family members become the ones you share the deeper desires of your hearts with, or the things you struggle with in marriage, which (if you recall the RAM model from a few weeks ago) increases the 'knowing' and 'trusting' risers with those people rather than your spouse. Your spouse should be the go-to person for everything you're dealing with, or issues you have. 

When you counsel with people other than your partner, it takes you away from being a real adult and being fully committed and connected to your partner.

I'm not going to lie, being in class today we had some hard discussions about really leaving your family in a lot of ways and really cleaving to your spouse. My mom and sister are my best friends, and we will always be close, but once I'm married my relationship with them will need to change. I will need to 'leave' family and friends behind and 'cleave' to my husband. He should be the person who knows me the best, who knows my aspirations and fears, and is the one I spend the majority of my time with. 

Satan really does walk around like a lion seeking whom he can devour - and he definitely targets families and marriages. May you have the courage to truthfully ask yourself the questions above and make any changes you need to have your spouse become your best friend and cleave to them. Cleaving means you can't tell one end from the other - you are so connected you've really become 'one flesh.' 

Well wishes,

Ashley Marie