Maybe The Way We See The Problem Is The Problem

Have you ever asked yourself the question, "Maybe the way I see the problem is the problem..."? Most likely that thought hasn't passed through your mind, but today I want to suggest that sometimes our problems aren't as bad as we think they are. Perhaps the way we've learned to use our minds is the issue.

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish Psychiatrist and lived during World War II. He survived Auschwitz (one of the worst known concentration camps with low survival rate). He witnessed his father, mother, wife, and thousands of others dying. While in the camp he observed one difference in those who lived versus those who survived. Those who lived had something in mind to motivate them to live (often times family members in other camps). 

In Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning he shared that, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." 1

Orson F. Whitney said;

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God . . . and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.2

Hardships are a huge part of the reason we come to earth, and depending on how we respond, they build us into better people. More compassionate, better listeners, more understanding, more experienced and kind. Better disciples of Jesus Christ. 

You might be asking, "Ashley, this is great, but what does this have to do with families? Isn't this blog supposed to be about your marriage and family studies stuff?" 

Why yes, yes it is. I was just getting to that, thank you ;)!

This week I've learned about family crisis. A crisis is a time that brings intense suffering, trouble, or danger. We most likely will never be able to determine when a crisis will happen, but we can learn how to respond better in situations to help them help our families become stronger and more united. 

Reuben Hill, founding father of family sociology came up with the ABCX family crisis model:

A - Actual even/stressor (a death of a child or spouse, a marriage, a birth, an unwanted pregnancy, etc.,)

B - Both - resources and how the family responds to those resources (family support, finances, etc.,)

C - Cognitions - the families perception of the stressor. Some might say, "this is horrible, the worst thing that could have happened." Others might say, "what can I learn from this to become better? How can I get closer to my family?" 

X - the outcome

We typically can't control A sometimes B, and typically X, but we can 100% control C, our thoughts and attitudes, which will greatly determine X. 

So, here are some suggestions from my 33+ years of practicing psychotherapist that will help couples (which greatly determine the outcome of the family) during times of crisis:

- Pray and study the scriptures every day with your spouse

- Go on dates every week 

- When you feel like retreating, it's probably the most vital time for you to draw closer instead

- Express your love for each other every day

- Tell your spouse what you love about them daily

- Don't go outside of your relationship to talk about worries and problems. If you're struggling with your spouse talk to your SPOUSE

- Continue your routines. If you exercise every morning keep doing that. If you have family scripture study at 7:30am keep doing that! 

These principles can save your marriages and your families! Sometimes they seem so small and easy, but time and time again these are what have been proven to work!

Friends, may you choose now to take the reins of your life and make the changes you need to - especially when it comes to your mind. Steven Covey and Viktor Frankl know that we are 100% response-able for our own lives, and it stems in training thoughts. Change your mind and it will change your life. You will be able to find joy and happiness even in the hardest of times.

Well wishes,

Ashley Marie