Children - Inherently Good

I love the scripture that says, "Children are an heritage of the Lord" Psalm 127:3.  Many in the world today think children are a burden, but they are some of the greatest blessings life has to offer! Elder Oaks said, "In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity."

Today I shall share insights into how children are inherently good and often its parents who invite children to act out. I'll be sharing insights from Dr. Phil, the Anatomy of Peace, and Unconditional Parenting. 

DR. PHIL

I remember when I was a kid my mom went through a short Dr. Phil phase. I didn't remember much, except growing up I didn't ever think I would be interested in watching more of his show. Much to my surprise, when a parenting class I had this semester had us watch a 16 minute clip, my husband and I loved many of Dr. Phil's philosophies! He was so pro-children.

In that episode of Dr. Phil (I couldn't find the exact episode to reference, but it's about Evan, Rebecca and their daughter Avery), a husband and wife were trying to figure out how to help their 4 year old daughter who threw tantrums all the time. Dr. Phil told the parents it was their doing that caused the behavior in the daughter. She had learned from them. He said that often children misbehave due to parents not being able to control themselves and have their hearts at peace. He guided the parents towards seeing that the greatest discipline they could offer was through love. 

He concluded with two powerful lessons:

Number one: love is the most powerful form of discipline there is. And I’ve admitted I’m anti-spanking; I don’t think children learn from spanking, I think they get alienated. They get confused: “This is the person that’s supposed to love and nurture me and they’re beating me with a board.” There is just seems to be a disconnect in a child’s mind. I think love is a powerful, powerful discipline. Number two, you’ve got a problem now. And I’ll guarantee you this if you don’t decompress this, you won’t even believe what you’ll have when she’s 16; you’re not going to believe it. The only difference now is that she doesn’t have the ability to get the car keys and head out the door.

I appreciated his two take aways were that the parents needed to learn to discipline their daughter through love. To see that she was only 4 and pick their battles - battles they are most likely to win, not things that really don't matter. He said if they didn't learn how to discipline with love now, they're going to deal with a lot of harder challenges as she grew up and became more independent. 

THE ANATOMY OF PEACE

The Anatomy of Peace is one of the most incredible parenting books. It delves deep into the readers heart, and invites them to  create a heart of peace towards others rather than trying to change them. Didn't Michael Jackson sing, "if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself then make a change"??? We are the ones that need to change, not necessarily our children!

In the book, there is a diagram called the Influencing Pyramid (Arbinger Institute, p. 218). In regards to parenting, many parents try to correct their children's behavior over and over again, without much success, OR with outward success but the children fear them. 

The book says in order for us as parents (and in any relationship) to be successful at influencing others, we need to start at the bottom of the pyramid - getting out of the box AKA having a heart of peace towards others. Seeing their human-ness is just as important as ours. Then you can follow it up. Once we have a heart of peace, we can build the relationship with others who have influence on our children (even if it's their friends who annoy us!), then we build the relationship with the child, then we spend more time listening and learning from them, then we teach and communicate, and finally we help correct their behavior. 

I think the Anatomy of Peace and Dr. Phil both focus on parents being the change because children are inherently good and pure. We are the ones that need to soften our hearts. 

In conclusion, I'll share a few insights from a book called Unconditional Parenting also another game changer parenting book. 

UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING

Dr. Alfie Kohn is also very pro-children and treating them with respect. He talks about behaviorism - a type of parenting that is very prevalent today which is the idea that parents want a certain outcome so they give their children various rewards or punishments to get them to behave the way they want. It is in close connection with conditional parenting - loving children for what they do rather than who they are. Children have to earn love by acting in ways we think are appropriate. 

The second type of love is "unconditional: it doesn't hinge on how they act, whether they're successful or well behaved or anything" (Kohn, 2005, p. 11). 

It doesn't matter if we think we love our children unconditionally, they have to feel loved in that way. It ties into the anatomy of peace and Dr. Phil's philosophies - the most effective form of discipline is love. When we have a heart at peace towards our children and don't see them as objects, we can have that unconditional love and be better equipped to treat them with respect and help them learn to be great human beings. 

I love children, and I know that they are inherently good. Parenting is extremely difficult and requires boat loads of humility, teaching, and refining, but it's what the Lord expects of us and it's what children deserve. Children don't deserve lazy parenting, they deserve to be treasured for the gems they are. 

References:

Arbinger Institute. (2015). The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., a BK Life Book

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Simon and Schuster.