Parents Set the Tone of the Home

What is the goal of parenting? It's to help a child grow up to be a decent human being... a person with compassion, commitment, and caring. How does one go about humanizing a child? Only by using humane methods, by recognizing that the process is the method, that the ends do not justify the means, and that in our attempt to be effective in getting children to behave, we do not damage them emotionally. - Dr. Haim Ginott (Ginott, 1965, p. 192).

I love Haim Giniott. From his words you can tell he really loves children and urges all to treat them with the respect they deserve. 

In the book he further discusses some nicer parenting strategies. For example, if you want to teach a child to not interrupt you when speaking to a friend, don't interrupt them, rather say something like, "Tommy, I would like to finish what I'm saying to my friend and then I will listen to what you want to say." Or, if you want your children to learn to communicate with you, rather than growing up and saying things like, "that's ridiculous," or "you know you don't hate me," or, "I don't want to hear another word about it" types of dialogue, what makes us think when children are teens they'll want to trust and talk to us?

Dr. Ginott further says that parents set the tone of the house, and how they respond is how their children will learn to respond. And we all know how to be kind and treat others well, when we are with guests or friends we tend to be more empathetic and kind than when we are with our own families, how sad!

Continuing on.... he said.... 

Parents set the tone of the home. Their response to every problem determines whether it will be escalated or de-escalated. Thus, parents need to discard a language of rejection and learn a language of acceptance. They even know the words. They heard their own parents use them with guests and strangers. It's a language that is protective of feelings, not critical of behavior. - Dr. Haim Ginott (Ginott, Between Parent and Child, 1965, p. 192-93).

I'm a big fan of Steven Covey, and he shared a story about when his son was a pre-teen he offered to take care of the yard. They made a plan together and Steve said if he had time to help, he would, otherwise all the rules for taking care of the lawn were up to his son. Their standard was Green and Clean meaning green grass and clean yard. 

At first, the son completely failed and Steve was mad. He said he wanted to blow up but the moment he would do that it would ruin the life lesson of learning to work hard. Instead, he reminded himself he needed to focus on his goal - raising sons, not grass. He and his son talked and Steve helped him the first go at it and the son only asked for help a few more times after that conversation.  

What a brilliant story and video! Steven Covey said if we want to be effective, we need to keep our eyes on the long term and not micromanage people. We need to help them learn to work hard and give them our help when needed. If we become too demanding or controlling when they are around us they'll 'behave' but what will they do when we are gone? Nothing. 

Dr. Ginott teaches a point to further the powerfulness of Steven's response. He said:

Thomas Mann, Nobel laureate in literature said, "Speech is civilization itself." Yet words can brutalize as well as civilize, injure as well as heal. Parents need a language of compassion, a language that lingers lovingly. They need words that convey feelings, reponses that change moods, statements that encourage goodwill, answers that bring insight, replies that radiate respect. The world talks to the mind. Parents speak more intimately, they speak to the heart, when they adopt a language of caring, which is sensitive to children's needs and feelings. It not only helps children develop a positive image of themselves that is confident and secure but also teaches them to treat their parents with respect and consideration. - Dr. Haim Ginott (Ginott, 1965 p. 193).

In conclusion, words have power. When parents talk to their children lovingly it has great power to influence them. Parents really do set the tone of the home. 

There's a scripture in the Alma in the Book of Mormon that says, “the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword." Elder Lynn G. Robbins expounded on that scipture by saying, "Why? Because the sword focused only on punishing behavior—or do—while preaching the word changed people’s very nature—who they were or could become" (Robbins, 2011, paragraph 19). 

SO

Words matter. What words parents decide to use changes the tone of the home. 

If we as parents don't know learn how to change ourselves and set the tone of the home now, we don't even know what hard challenges will come in the future when our children are older and not trusting us because of how we treated them as young ones. 

May we use the effort we need to become the Christ-like disciples and parents Heavenly Father expects of us and will guide us to become. He will help us along to treat His precious children the way they deserve to be treated, and it begins with parents learning to change.

References:

Ginott, H. (1965). Between Parent and Child. Harmony/Rodale.

Robbins, L. (2011). What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be? General Conference Report. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.